I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
