I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
