i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish you could order shots online.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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