I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
