She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
