Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
