I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
