I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
