Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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