this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
