i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
