i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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