how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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