There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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