Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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