I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
