A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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