His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
