I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
