Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
