I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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