i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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