There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
