Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
