you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
