ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
