i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
