I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
