Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
