I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
