Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
