Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
