Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
