Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
