You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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