We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my shit smells like andre
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
