Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
