I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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