I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
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