My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
