went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
