sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
