My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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