so that wasnt chicken after all
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
