woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
