They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How naked do you want me to be?
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