I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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