ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
