John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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