the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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