i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
