I wanna bring you to show and tell
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
