..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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