ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
