she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize