I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
