Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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