im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
