turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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