I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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